Happy 23 months old

One more month and you will be 2 years old! 

Wow how time flies. You are like a mini adult now. 

Blabbering non-stop. Have your own thinking.

Do not like to eat. 

And soon the terrible two will begin! Your grandparents are already experiencing it. They complain that you don't like to eat and you don't like to bathe. Will make a big fuss during bathing times. 

Now, we also have to negotiate with you for things. No longer are the times where you will listen to us. You have your own thinking already.

So today we bring you to Changi Airport for dinner and run. We know how much you want to go out. Since today Daddy knocks off early, we decide to bring you out to shop.

At Imperial Treasure

Happily playing with the bar

You are ever so friendly when you see other kids. Always the first to approach them to play or just stand beside them and see them play. I can see in your eyes you really want to join them as a group and have fun. 

It is at times like these that I feel guilty not able to give you a sibling soon. Looking at how lonely you feel and yet I am not being able to be by your side, will you forgive me? 

I am beginning to feel that I am spoiling you already. Because I feel guilty towards you, I keep finding things to buy for you and make myself feel better. When I am with you, I will not scold you but talk to you nicely and will take all the opportunity to be with you and teach you things. Because we have so little time together, even when you are watching tv, I will just sit beside you to watch together. I just want to do things with you even if you do not need me lol..

Mummy is getting good at designing photos hahaha!

Mummy's darling

Took a video of you doing random things:



Whenever I am with you, I will take lotsa pictures. I want to have memories of you.

Because Mummy has cancer, it makes me realise how short life is. Because Mummy has cancer, I know how death can occur to anyone at any time. At least I have cancer, I still have time to say I love you and make memories for you. For those that leave this earth suddenly, they have no chance to do all these.

I love you :)

I miss u

2 more days to 23 months old. You are 10 kg and 82cm tall.

You look a tad small for your age. Don't know if I should be worried or not. But you wouldn't want to eat much :(

I miss you darling. I think you miss me too :)

Because Mummy is staying at 外婆's house to recuperate, I only go home during weekends. And today is weekend. Oh I miss you so much. We only see each other through Facetime (video calls).

At home, you will follow me around even to the toilet and when I bathe. You will sit at the small stool and watch me bathe and say shame shame.

You will also ask me to sit down and play games with you. For the whole day you just want me to accompany you.

You will like beside me in bed and ask me sing song for you or read to you. When on the sofa, you will sit on my lap and ask me write for you to see while you put your head on my shoulder.

I really hate to see you grow up so fast. I like this stage of yours. So tender, so loving and so real.

At least you still love Mummy for being botak. You even asked me wear my hat when I was changing to go out.

I miss you, Vera. The moment you leave with Daddy, I tear. I am so guilty that I am not with you most of the time. You grew up so much I didn't remember you can speak so many words already! You can form (chinese) sentences and can already remember what happened the day before.

You can say "爸爸生气”  which happened the day before. Now you also learning words.  You will repeat what we say.

You are very spoilt now too! Will beat and scratch grandmother. Nearing the terrible two, Daddy and Mummy are scratching our heads. We are first time parents. Now, I cannot be by your side and Daddy has to work till very late so we do not have the time to discipline you. I feel so guilty, really so guilty. I hope you don't be too spoilt and bad tempered.

We are trying to discipline you by talking to you nicely and reason out with you. Hope it works. Seems like it works when you are with us alone and grandparents not around. Hmmm.. Grandparents really spoil grandkids!

Photos of the day:

Both Botak

Can't wait to drive

Keep pestering to me to let you brush teeth

Daddy's little girl

Finally taking your nap. Sleep like an angel.

Visit to Mummy

Today u come to visit Mummy at SGH again :) It has been a long week. I don't know if you miss me.

You came here and play with the balloons and the big Winnie the Pooh. You are really a good girl. Just make use of whatever is available in the room and make it into your play thing. When my friends are here, you just socialise and mingle with them. What a sociable girl you are!

In love with Winnie the Pooh

Family photos

Conversations and milestones

Just one week not seeing you, you can speak a few more words and I felt like you have grown so much! These are the things you can say already:

• We: 妈妈在哪里？＝ you： 生病，oror （sleep）
• Grandparents：为什么爸爸还没有回来？ ＝ you：看妈妈
• count from one to twenty with some assistance
• Recognise numbers
• Recognise some alphabets from iphone apps
• Say CHEESE with your hands up when taking pictures

Cheese!

I can't wait to be with you and watch you grow.

Dedicate this song for you:
I don't wana miss a thing - Aerosmith


I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
Far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
'Cause I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah
I don't wanna miss a thing 

Letter to Vera from Mummy

Dear Vera,

Mummy has not seen you for one week already. The last time you saw me was on Friday 30 Oct 2011 when you sat at my bed in the hospital (TTSH) and kissed me and sayang me and play with my iphone. When the nurses pushed me away to the operating theatre, you cried "MAMA!" as if you thought that I had been kidnapped.

I can sense that you know your Mummy is in pain and you are very scare of the hospital environment. Somehow you had the sixth sense.

When I saw you shouting for me in Daddy's hands, my tears rolled down involuntarily. I told myself: I have to be strong for you and Daddy and everybody that saw me out.

Mummy went to the operation because I was presented with a tumor in the spinal cord at T11. It is compressing on my big nerves and my legs are having decreasing senses at increasing speed. If they delay further, I might be paralysed for the whole life. Of course, I cannot be paralysed. I have to take care of you. I have to be with you when you grow up. You cannot be without a Mother.

Well, part of the tumor has been taken out to relieve the pressure on my nerve and also to bring to test what kind of tumor is it.

And the results came out to be a lymphoma at the spinal cord. It occurs at the bone and into the bone marrow. And bone marrow has blood flowing so it will travel through the bone marrow and I need to go through 6 chemotherapy sessions to kill off the growing cells. It is a stage 4 cancer.

Mummy will need to go through a termination of your sibling because of this chemotherapy and also the CT scans and X-rays I have gone through is not very healthy for pregnant. Everytime we test you whether you want “弟弟” or “妹妹”you will always say “弟弟”. Maybe you are right. We will never find out.

There might be a chance that Mummy's fertility will be affected too. So you might be the only child. I know it is unfair to you to deprive you of a companion and an extra family member. So I am guilty and Mummy will give you all the love and attention you deserve.

Next time you will also be plagued by this family history that your Mummy has lymphoma.

Vera, all I wana say is Daddy and Mummy love you. After you came into our lives, we truly know the meaning of 心肝宝贝. It means you are like our heart and liver. So precious to us. And nobody will ever know this feeling until they are parents themselves.

Regardless how long or how short my life is, I will strive to always love you to the maximum ability I have. I will not say die just so I can see you growing into a fine lady and also a filial, successful and confident lady. Most importantly, Mummy just wish that the ordeal I am going through will protect you and let you have the best of health and be the happiest person on earth.

I love you.

Love,
Mummy